[The hurt runs so deep that it is impossible not to feel across the link. It cuts so sharply that for a minute Iggy physically can't breathe.
But at the bottom of what he thought was a bottomless pit of misery there apparently lurks anger.]
I am not making this the pain olympics, Takeshi. You seem intent on it, but I'm not gonna. I do love that your solution to getting me to stop feeling sorry for myself is to actively insult me. That's a great tactic. Patent that one.
I do not need to be in physical proximity to people to continue to be available for them should they decide that they want me. That's fucking asinine to imply. You know it is. You know it is, and you're saying it anyway.
I'm not giving up on anyone.
I am respecting the wishes of an adult. They don't want to see me. I'm not going to camp outside their fucking door. I'm going to wait until they decide they want to see me again, if they ever do. And they probably won't. They probably won't, Takeshi, and I think I'm allowed to be upset about it.
I'm trying not to cause even more harm to someone that I'd happily die for. And you're telling me that I'm a failure and I don't deserve to feel anything.
I think... I think maybe you actually don't like me very much. And that's fine. That's... fine.
Asinine is deciding that because you don't want to hear what I'm saying, I must not like you.
You respected a traumatised adult's trauma response. You don't find a gunshot victim by the side of the road and tell them to call you if they need anything. When we're hurting like that, we need people around, to remind us what living looks like, what being cared about feels like, even when we don't believe we deserve either. Even when both of them feel worse than the pain.
That's not what I'm doing! I keep trying and you keep... nothing I do is right according to you, how am I supposed to...
All I wanted w-was t-to--
[He has to cut out for a few minutes. When he returns he's quieter. Resigned.]
I'm trying. I'm really trying. But I don't know what to do that won't make it worse. Ianthe said I shouldn't crowd. Just be there, if he wants.
But he doesn't want. He told me to go away.
You think I'm selfish and petty and lacking compassion. I guess maybe you're right, even if i try not to be those things. But I don't care if it hurts me. I just don't want to hurt him anymore. He's been through enough.
Iggy, I don't know what you see when you look at me, but I'm not your judge, and I never have been. You need to stop deciding what I think and applying verdicts I've never given, or soon you are actually going to piss me off.
He's going to hurt. Living hurts. Learning to walk again after someone broke both your legs is going to hurt so much every fucking day that you'd rather just lay down and never get up again. So maybe you being there will make it worse. Maybe it will hurt him some more. But I can tell you, he isn't getting through this on his own.
I'm sorry. But you say things like they're facts. Don't you see that you do that? You say things like they're obvious, and they're not. At least not to me. And I try and I try and you just say things like... like, "What did you think, everyone who needs your help is going to line up like a client with a list of their preferred kinks?" Don't you dare tell me that you don't understand that that implies I'm stupid. You know it does. You're not dumb. You knew it would hurt me.
And I don't know why you would do that.
But I'll try not to assume anything anymore.
[He's so tired and so confused and so hurt. But he is still doing his best to understand, to listen.]
Even if he has other people? Even if... even if he doesn't believe me, or thinks I'm stupid, or maybe even hates me?
[And he might be a little sorry for it, but this isn't the time for apologies.]
Yes. Whatever he's feeling right now is going to be a fucking mess anyway. Once he's up and walking again, if he's still treating you like that, that's when you recognise it and get out of there.
Be careful, then. What you're feeling, what you think love is, what they think it is, what it means. There's a lot of ways for things to go wrong, to miss the paths through because your head's full. To miss the bigger picture because you can't stop looking at them.
And take it from experience. Dying for someone is a lot easier than living for them.
Just being allowed to love them is enough; I really never expect it back. Certainly not to the same degree. So I don't know how well I'll navigate all of that, to be honest. But I'll try not to hurt anyone.
[Over the other side of town, in a boarding house room that belongs to two other people and not himself, the discussion of love falls on Takeshi's chest like an unwelcome demon, leering into his face with a raucous I told you so.
It makes a change from the ghost of Quell. But he can never dismiss that one, either.]
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But at the bottom of what he thought was a bottomless pit of misery there apparently lurks anger.]
I am not making this the pain olympics, Takeshi. You seem intent on it, but I'm not gonna. I do love that your solution to getting me to stop feeling sorry for myself is to actively insult me. That's a great tactic. Patent that one.
I do not need to be in physical proximity to people to continue to be available for them should they decide that they want me. That's fucking asinine to imply. You know it is. You know it is, and you're saying it anyway.
I'm not giving up on anyone.
I am respecting the wishes of an adult. They don't want to see me. I'm not going to camp outside their fucking door. I'm going to wait until they decide they want to see me again, if they ever do. And they probably won't. They probably won't, Takeshi, and I think I'm allowed to be upset about it.
I'm trying not to cause even more harm to someone that I'd happily die for. And you're telling me that I'm a failure and I don't deserve to feel anything.
I think... I think maybe you actually don't like me very much. And that's fine. That's... fine.
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You respected a traumatised adult's trauma response. You don't find a gunshot victim by the side of the road and tell them to call you if they need anything. When we're hurting like that, we need people around, to remind us what living looks like, what being cared about feels like, even when we don't believe we deserve either. Even when both of them feel worse than the pain.
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All I wanted w-was t-to--
[He has to cut out for a few minutes. When he returns he's quieter. Resigned.]
I'm trying. I'm really trying. But I don't know what to do that won't make it worse. Ianthe said I shouldn't crowd. Just be there, if he wants.
But he doesn't want. He told me to go away.
You think I'm selfish and petty and lacking compassion. I guess maybe you're right, even if i try not to be those things. But I don't care if it hurts me. I just don't want to hurt him anymore. He's been through enough.
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He's going to hurt. Living hurts. Learning to walk again after someone broke both your legs is going to hurt so much every fucking day that you'd rather just lay down and never get up again. So maybe you being there will make it worse. Maybe it will hurt him some more. But I can tell you, he isn't getting through this on his own.
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And I don't know why you would do that.
But I'll try not to assume anything anymore.
[He's so tired and so confused and so hurt. But he is still doing his best to understand, to listen.]
Even if he has other people? Even if... even if he doesn't believe me, or thinks I'm stupid, or maybe even hates me?
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[And he might be a little sorry for it, but this isn't the time for apologies.]
Yes. Whatever he's feeling right now is going to be a fucking mess anyway. Once he's up and walking again, if he's still treating you like that, that's when you recognise it and get out of there.
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[He sighs.]
Okay. Okay, yeah.
...it's fucking torture staying away from him, anyway. I love him so much, Takeshi. It's scary.
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And take it from experience. Dying for someone is a lot easier than living for them.
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Just being allowed to love them is enough; I really never expect it back. Certainly not to the same degree. So I don't know how well I'll navigate all of that, to be honest. But I'll try not to hurt anyone.
Living is always harder. That at least I do know.
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It makes a change from the ghost of Quell. But he can never dismiss that one, either.]
I'll come by tomorrow. If you're still there.
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Thank you for being my friend, Takeshi. I know I don't always seem it, but I do appreciate you.