I was trying to help! if it went after ME it would leave other people alone! I had a plan and ok maybe it wasn't as good a plan as you'd come up with but that doesn't mean it was terrible. god, nothing I do is good enough for you, Takeshi.
[This is clearly not going to go well with Iggy able to assume whatever tone he wants from Takeshi's messages, so he swaps to voice. Sounding tired, but more gently amused than annoyed:]
[A sense of sadness.] Uhm. The brothel. I know we're not supposed to, but since it's closed anyway, why not, you know? I don't really feel like being around the boarding house right now.
Uh. Junpei's boyfriend turned into a mind controlling monster and got a bunch of people killed in awful ways that traumatised the people it used to do the killing?
A lot happened. I'm sick with worry about Eddie and Jem and Billy. I was worried about you. I was worried about Ianthe, and John. I was up to my elbows in corpses, Takeshi.
They're all safe now and recovering. They don't need me. I'm not really half as helpful as I thought I was, you know? I've been here for months and I figured, hey, I help people! I can give them love and support and be who they need so they can be happy. I help them.
But I don't. I was fucking useless, Takeshi. I'm good for exactly one thing: handling bodies. Dead or alive.
So, yeah, I just want to stay here where it's quiet.
[Fine. He'll put the pieces together himself, then.]
You tried to help someone who was being influenced. Mind-controlled. Someone you care about. It got messy, you hurt them more than you're comfortable with, and it didn't make any difference on the influence.
You've probably reached out to them since, but they're too fucked up to deal with your shit on top of their own, so they haven't forgiven you or hurt you the way you think you should be hurt for what you did.
So now you're isolating, because you don't believe you deserve contact, especially with people you care about. And you're looking for ways to hurt yourself, physically and emotionally, preferably both at once.
I'm not fucking babying you. What did you think, everyone who needs your help is going to line up like a client with a list of their preferred kinks? Of course they told you to fuck off, they're beating themselves up as much as you right now. More. Considering the extent of whatever fucked up shit they've done in the last month, they've also earned it a hell of a lot more than you.
The hard way would be being there anyway. But you took the easy way, because as much as you want to think you weren't asking for anything, you wanted something, and you didn't get it.
[The hurt runs so deep that it is impossible not to feel across the link. It cuts so sharply that for a minute Iggy physically can't breathe.
But at the bottom of what he thought was a bottomless pit of misery there apparently lurks anger.]
I am not making this the pain olympics, Takeshi. You seem intent on it, but I'm not gonna. I do love that your solution to getting me to stop feeling sorry for myself is to actively insult me. That's a great tactic. Patent that one.
I do not need to be in physical proximity to people to continue to be available for them should they decide that they want me. That's fucking asinine to imply. You know it is. You know it is, and you're saying it anyway.
I'm not giving up on anyone.
I am respecting the wishes of an adult. They don't want to see me. I'm not going to camp outside their fucking door. I'm going to wait until they decide they want to see me again, if they ever do. And they probably won't. They probably won't, Takeshi, and I think I'm allowed to be upset about it.
I'm trying not to cause even more harm to someone that I'd happily die for. And you're telling me that I'm a failure and I don't deserve to feel anything.
I think... I think maybe you actually don't like me very much. And that's fine. That's... fine.
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But advice for next time I'm busy: try not to actively taunt the mind-control monster?
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[Dull hurt. He was trying to help! To keep its attention away from other more useful people! Why does he just keep screwing up?]
ok
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I was trying to help! if it went after ME it would leave other people alone! I had a plan and ok maybe it wasn't as good a plan as you'd come up with but that doesn't mean it was terrible. god, nothing I do is good enough for you, Takeshi.
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Feel better?
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[Poor Kovacs - just immediately subjected to sniffling.]
I was worried about you, you ass!
...you're really not mad at me?
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[Sniffle.]
I'm sorr-- I mean. I didn't mean to assume, it's just been very... I've messed up a lot. I thought you might be actually mad.
It doesn't matter. You're okay!
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Where are you?
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Bed. You?
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Like you said, I'm an ass.
Boarding house or elsewhere?
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[A sense of sadness.] Uhm. The brothel. I know we're not supposed to, but since it's closed anyway, why not, you know? I don't really feel like being around the boarding house right now.
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[Seeing as he's never paid attention to that "not supposed to".]
I'm at the boarding house, but I'll come by and see you tomorrow. If you're alone, don't be, it's not going to make anything easier.
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Okay. I'd like to see you. But I'm not gonna go be near anybody right now, thanks. I just want to be alone.
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Tell me what happened.
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It was a lot.
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Tell me what happened, Iggy.
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But I don't. I was fucking useless, Takeshi. I'm good for exactly one thing: handling bodies. Dead or alive.
So, yeah, I just want to stay here where it's quiet.
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You tried to help someone who was being influenced. Mind-controlled. Someone you care about. It got messy, you hurt them more than you're comfortable with, and it didn't make any difference on the influence.
You've probably reached out to them since, but they're too fucked up to deal with your shit on top of their own, so they haven't forgiven you or hurt you the way you think you should be hurt for what you did.
So now you're isolating, because you don't believe you deserve contact, especially with people you care about. And you're looking for ways to hurt yourself, physically and emotionally, preferably both at once.
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...okay, I didn't ask anyone to deal with my shit. All I did was... was offer to be there. That's all.
[He's quiet a while.]
Well. Be proud of me, I didn't go find that guy you threw out of the brothel weeks ago for being too rough.
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So I want to be here for now. I'm not in any danger, and I'm better here than I am back in my empty room there.
Takeshi, I wanted to make sure you were okay. I didn't reach out so you could baby me, okay? It's sweet, but I don't need it.
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The hard way would be being there anyway. But you took the easy way, because as much as you want to think you weren't asking for anything, you wanted something, and you didn't get it.
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But at the bottom of what he thought was a bottomless pit of misery there apparently lurks anger.]
I am not making this the pain olympics, Takeshi. You seem intent on it, but I'm not gonna. I do love that your solution to getting me to stop feeling sorry for myself is to actively insult me. That's a great tactic. Patent that one.
I do not need to be in physical proximity to people to continue to be available for them should they decide that they want me. That's fucking asinine to imply. You know it is. You know it is, and you're saying it anyway.
I'm not giving up on anyone.
I am respecting the wishes of an adult. They don't want to see me. I'm not going to camp outside their fucking door. I'm going to wait until they decide they want to see me again, if they ever do. And they probably won't. They probably won't, Takeshi, and I think I'm allowed to be upset about it.
I'm trying not to cause even more harm to someone that I'd happily die for. And you're telling me that I'm a failure and I don't deserve to feel anything.
I think... I think maybe you actually don't like me very much. And that's fine. That's... fine.
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